1. When you’re married to a nurse, your sheets get re-washed and your bed gets re-made far too often. Actually, the rate of turnover is quite alarming. The reason for this is a firm fear that has been established in the house for Bed Bugs. I capitalized that because they are that serious – I now picture them as microscopic rabid hamsters with extremely sharp teeth. Apparently they’re everywhere, and without a consistent, thorough washing, your bed sheets quickly become a hot bed for Bed Bug activity. So just when you think you’ve really broken the sheets in (in maybe a 4 day period of time) for a good night’s rest, you turn the corner into your bedroom, and your heart sinks when, yet again, your bare mattress stares back at you, laughing, saying, “Haha, you thought you were jumping right into bed? Please! Put sheets on me, now! And tuck in the corners!”
2. When you’re married to a nurse, hand sanitizer is an incomplete phrase. It should really be called hand, wrist, and up-to-the elbows sanitizer. And it should be placed in every location where you could possibly utter the phrase, “That’s weird, I wonder how that got in there.”
3. When you’re married to a nurse, the hospital becomes a running storyline that is incredibly interesting. You feel like all the other nurses are close friends of yours because you’ve heard so much about them. You realize this when your wife is telling you a story about the day’s events, and you respond with something like, “Oh my gosh, that is classic Alex!” (Or a response that sounds more masculine. You get the point.)
4. When you’re married to a nurse, you must come to grips with the fact that in one day, your wife made more than you did in a week. Okay, that one was just for other teachers. Is it unfair? I’d say no – we don’t have human being’s lives in our hands on a daily basis. However, I am a member of an elite squad of faculty members known as the “search and rescue team” that apparently has to go rescue kids with broken femurs in burning or crumbling buildings. So on that day, I better get paid a nurse’s wage.
5. When you’re married to a nurse, you would assume that getting sick is awesome. That’s because of course you’ll get care that would be the envy of any other man. You even idealize it, picturing yourself as maybe a wounded soldier who’s lost his leg, and here she comes, your beautiful caretaker, here to baby you and nurse you back to physical and emotional wholeness. However, what it’s closer to, if we’re staying with this dream scenario, is that she strides in, looks up you up and down, and says, “Is your leg really gone? You always think your leg is gone.” Now, in her defense, I totally get this phenomenon. For example, I doubt I would have a pleasant response if after a particularly long, heinous day in the classroom, Julia shoved an essay in my face and said, “I need you to grade this now. And make sure your notes are specific. Also, I’d like you to lead an hour-long discussion on The Great Gatsby. I’ll be waiting on the couch.”
6. When you’re married to a nurse, various family members will consistently come to her for medical advice. Medical advice for a variety of ailments and conditions. Actually, some questions would actually require a consult with a neurosurgeon or a orthopedic specialist, but that is not always taken into consideration. Not surprisingly, though, Julia does an amazing job at being our family medical expert – she always seems to know that right answer. Speaking of which…
7. When you’re married to a nurse, you realize quickly that perhaps all that medical knowledge is both a blessing and a curse. For instance, I believe Julia frequently assumes that her body is going to break the record for the fastest time ever for indigestion to become a tumor. And let me give you some advice: Don’t suggest that it could be just gas. Because then she starts using all these huge, fancy doctor words that make the condition sound as gruesome and aggressive as Bed Bugs. I feel bad for her, because here I am, living in ignorant bliss, unaware that the scrape on my arm could be a flesh-eating virus known as (Julia would know the word), while she has a litany of diagnoses that come to mind every time her heart palpitates too fast.
In all seriousness, being married to a nurse is the greatest thing in the world. Maybe I can’t say that as a universal fact. However, I can say that being married to Julia is the greatest thing in the world, and that everything that makes her an amazing nurse – her sweetness, her caring heart, and her love for hurting people – also make her an amazing wife.
~Dan
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